On Being a Creative When (You Think) Nobody is Watching

Disclaimer: The following post is word vomit. And because I am trying to consciously put myself out there more in 2016, this post is happening. In an attempt to soften the blow and say thank you for reading, I have included a very pretty picture of a beach in Placencia, Belize.

(Side note – I LOVE BELIZE! You should go there. I promise I’m going to write about why. I just need to get this out first and maybe eat a doughnut to make myself feel better.)

One of the things I struggle with most, without a doubt, is this fear of what people think.

I want people to see my photography, but only if it’s in a positive light. Does anyone like baring his or her soul to others only to be criticized, or judged, or unnoticed? Don’t think so.

As a creative person, I feel so good when inspiration is flowing and everything feels right. But when it comes time to announce my ideas, share what I’ve made, and put myself out there?

That is some scary shit.

What if people don’t like it? What if people don’t like me?

In the spirit of complete honesty, I admit this has scared me so much at times that I have actually turned down people who wanted to pay for my photography. (I know.)

But there’s another side to this story. When I’m alone in my creative space with my ideas, living in my process and inspiration and creating, I feel so happy and true to myself. I feel almost free…BECAUSE nobody is watching. (Except maybe those people two tables over silently judging me for photographing my taco from 5 different angles. Or my mom. Hi, mom.)

It’s kind of a blessing to dance to my own drum and make what I actually like because it’s just for me.

It’s easier (and notably less scary) to hide my art and stay in a space where I don’t receive a lot of attention for its creation.

So you see my struggle. I want people to see and appreciate my art, but I know I cannot have that without also showing it to people who might potentially hate it and think I am the worst.

Struggles aside, I’m finally starting to see my place in this world as a creative while simultaneously being overwhelmed by the sheer immensity and possibility of it all. Some days I feel I’ve struck a chord and am traveling on the right path. Others I get bogged down by this feeling that nobody is paying attention, nobody cares.

Regardless, I keep creating, sharing a little bit at a time, casually starting to pronounce “I’m a photographer” or “I’m a travel blogger” to people even though I’m still in that weird phase where I feel like a fraud because, you know, I don’t really have much income from these things yet.

I read a post the other day which reached out and grabbed me. It grabbed me the first time I read it (a week or so prior) and then casually wandered back into my life a few days later. Apparently I didn’t get the message clear enough the first time, so I needed to see it again.

And this time, YES. I get it.

Just this month, I’ve gotten to a place where I can see how to make my ideas materialize into reality. This is when the real work begins. In my case, guess what real work involves? BIG leaps.

My savings cushion is getting smaller. My support system is giving me slightly larger nudges. It’s time to leave that safe space of “nobody is watching.”

YIKES.

There’s so much fear tied around all of the things that I want to will do. None of them are conventional. ALL of them require me and me alone putting in the work in order to make them a reality.

Some days, yes, it is easier to stay home and bake cookies rather than face these realities head on. (Guilty.)

But yesterday I had a revelation.

I am done being scared and feeling like I’m not enough, or not ready.

There’s never going to be a “best” time to change my life.

I’ve been waiting for things to happen to me for years and guess what happened to me while waiting? I lost my job. Not exactly what I had in mind…

So, let’s do this.

I’m Stephanie. I’m first and foremost a photographer.

I don’t need to be the best. But I do know that this is what I love, above all other creative endeavors, and to not pursue it would leave me deeply unhappy. So I’m fully prepared for people who don’t like my work, and that’s okay, because not everyone has to like the things I make. But I’m also ready to meet the people who do like my work. The people I can help through my art. The walls I can make a little prettier.

I’m also a writer.

This blog is my platform, my space to showcase both things I love. The photographer which loves to capture moments and share them, and the writer who likes to put memories and experiences and expertise* into words to share with others.

I’m a creative.

I’m done thinking certain things need to happen before I can say that, or that there are some special hoops I need to jump through or street cred I need to attain before I can announce myself to the world as an artist.

I have questions, yes. (SO many questions.) For your benefit, I will not list them here.

But despite all the questions, I’m ready for my leap.

If you, too, are considering a life change then I will pass on the simplest advice I’ve received throughout the past crazy 6 months of my life: You. Are. Enough.

Start believing that, and you can do anything.

*Expertise mainly referring to ice cream, beer, the beach and other assorted delicious food and drink.